Today is 3 years since my brother died. I can't believe it's been that long, and it doesn't suck any less now than it did when I first found out. This is how I spent my day:
I got up early and went into town together with Pasha, who, like all Russians, has to work this Saturday, due to some funky stuff the government is up to. Don't ask. Even though my school is on vacation at school until next week, I had a private lesson this morning with a girl from my baby group. She is a dream to teach, very sweet and smart. Although lately all she says to me is "no." At least she says it in English, lol! As we traveled, I was reading the book "FRED FACTOR" by Mark Sanborn. It was very encouraging! I was determined to have a great lesson, to make the ordinary extraordinary.
I had a lesson with her yesterday as well which didn't go very well because 40 minutes into it, she left the room. What was I supposed to do? Grab her and make her come back? She wasn't feeling well, and ... I followed her around their luxurious apartment for the next 20 minutes, trying to get her to play games and do certain activities with me; I tried to keep talking and singing... but I somehow felt that the mom wasn't getting her money's worth (she pays me a lot). So today, I went in armed with an arsenal of images, each representing a song or rhyme, books, puzzles, and my music player, with which the girl is familiar. There are certain songs we listen to and always do similar dances to. Well, it was one of my best lessons ever. She was in a much better mood, I got away with the nanny leaving and her not freaking out, so we were able to be one-on-one, and we played so effectively! We sang tons of songs, she was enthralled by the books, and she even used her imagination to play with me for several minutes and pretend we were rowing down a river. Then she even hugged me!
I came home tired but triumphant. I checked my email and then remembered - today is the day. The dreaded day I've been trying not to think about for a while. I couldn't help reading the facebook posts in our "group," going to a forum I sometimes visit, looking at Ruth's sweepstakes/memorial site for him, etc. I cried and cried and cried and cried, hysterically. My face swelled up. I calmed down and got something to eat, had some tea. I went back to the computer, looking at various sites about research, etc. I cried some more. I am calm at the moment, and I am feeling very grateful for this wonderful thing called the internet. It allowed me to connect with friends and people who are also greiving for Tom this day, as well as with other survivors of suicide who really know how I and my family feel, having been there. Here I am in far-away Russia, but not feeling isolated on this terrible anniversary day. Thanks to all those who are supporting, financially, with a prayer, a facebook post, positive thoughts, or sending love from Heaven.
Peace,
Beth
I got up early and went into town together with Pasha, who, like all Russians, has to work this Saturday, due to some funky stuff the government is up to. Don't ask. Even though my school is on vacation at school until next week, I had a private lesson this morning with a girl from my baby group. She is a dream to teach, very sweet and smart. Although lately all she says to me is "no." At least she says it in English, lol! As we traveled, I was reading the book "FRED FACTOR" by Mark Sanborn. It was very encouraging! I was determined to have a great lesson, to make the ordinary extraordinary.
I had a lesson with her yesterday as well which didn't go very well because 40 minutes into it, she left the room. What was I supposed to do? Grab her and make her come back? She wasn't feeling well, and ... I followed her around their luxurious apartment for the next 20 minutes, trying to get her to play games and do certain activities with me; I tried to keep talking and singing... but I somehow felt that the mom wasn't getting her money's worth (she pays me a lot). So today, I went in armed with an arsenal of images, each representing a song or rhyme, books, puzzles, and my music player, with which the girl is familiar. There are certain songs we listen to and always do similar dances to. Well, it was one of my best lessons ever. She was in a much better mood, I got away with the nanny leaving and her not freaking out, so we were able to be one-on-one, and we played so effectively! We sang tons of songs, she was enthralled by the books, and she even used her imagination to play with me for several minutes and pretend we were rowing down a river. Then she even hugged me!
I came home tired but triumphant. I checked my email and then remembered - today is the day. The dreaded day I've been trying not to think about for a while. I couldn't help reading the facebook posts in our "group," going to a forum I sometimes visit, looking at Ruth's sweepstakes/memorial site for him, etc. I cried and cried and cried and cried, hysterically. My face swelled up. I calmed down and got something to eat, had some tea. I went back to the computer, looking at various sites about research, etc. I cried some more. I am calm at the moment, and I am feeling very grateful for this wonderful thing called the internet. It allowed me to connect with friends and people who are also greiving for Tom this day, as well as with other survivors of suicide who really know how I and my family feel, having been there. Here I am in far-away Russia, but not feeling isolated on this terrible anniversary day. Thanks to all those who are supporting, financially, with a prayer, a facebook post, positive thoughts, or sending love from Heaven.
Peace,
Beth
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